OK, I have something on my mind. All of my blogger friends know I typically seek advice and or feedback about MEN and sometimes friends.
Well, I am feeling a few different emotions right now...sad, angry, frustrated and abandoned.
I am just getting home from my day~ School was tough, I ran to Ft. Benning after work (needed Estee Lauder Mascara, Lancome Dual finish powder and a Yankee Candle- butter cream ) Then T and I went to dinner and stopped at a few places after dinner. Our last place I ran into an old friend/co worker, her hubby and yr old baby girl.
She and I used to teach together, we have been friends for a few years now. We took a few classes together in college and started teaching at the same school. Anyway, we have a "tension" between us. I am not sure how to handle it, what to do---if anything. Ya'll keep in mind I am 10 years older than she is... She acts older than 26, and I think I act younger than 36...I have some feelings that have been building and I know she does too. When she found out she was pregnant, I knew our friendship would change. I have been through the *newness and joy* with other friends. She of course said, nothing would change. She meant that in her heart--I know. But in fact they have changed. Rather than me ramble let me make a list of what has bothered me and you guys tell me I am being a selfish bitch, I'm not in my right mind or just get over it already.
1. Her world seems to be only one focus baby. It should be, but other people have things happening or not happening too.
2. We used to work together now her mom is at our/my school. She comes to see her at lunch on a regular basis---I never even get a hello. I know she has her daughter, but mom eats lunch the same time I do...(A quick hello would be nice. I figure if the situation was reversed, I would say hello one out of the 10 times I stop to see mom).
3. Tonight was the first time I have seen her in probably 5 or 6 months. It was by accident.
4. If I ask her to do something she never has time. When she does call me it's because her hubby is working long hours or her mom is busy with something else and it is usually (I am usually) a last minute thought, at least that is how I feel.
5. Ya'll know everything that has/is going on with mom and I have gotten a card when mom was diagnosed and one text message during her surgery. This last 6 months has been a time I really needed friends. I feel abandoned. I am one of the most independant people I know- or have known. So for me to say I feel abandoned- I am hurting.
6. When I went to Savannah--our friend and old co worker B is who went with me. I had one night and 2 days. Well her family was going to Savannah on Thursday--we came back Wed late afternnoon. She decided to cook dinner for B and his man on WED night and gave me a time 'I had to have him back" for her to feed him. OK , that I thought was inconsiderate and demanding. He was going to feed her dogs while there were gone--4 days mind you--and she couldn't feed them when the trip was over?? I felt rushed and was a bit ticked off. This was supposed to be a time for me to get my mind off of ALL OF MY WORRIES about Mom and all the other shit in my life---for 48 hours.
7. Her daughter just turned a yr old. She and mom planned a b'day party for last weekend. She mailed me an invite 3 days before the party. It was the same weekend as bridezillas engagement party. I posted on my blog that I was going to Louisana for the engagement party. I figured that I was going to be missed much more at the wedding party than by a one year old. I mean D originally wanted me to be the Maid of Honor. I know D and I know how long she has waited for this moment-- and I wanted her to have the best of parties, treats and HELP for all the planning--than I could give her living 3 states away from her. I guess I should have RSVP'd --but she is a reader on my blog and told me she knew about the engagement party. So, did I need to be so formal as to call too?
8. She seems to make time for B. Granted he's loveable- never wants to challenge anyone- where as, she and I both tend to speak our mind. He'll keep his shut so not to make any waves with anyone. Not to mention they are the same age...he acts like his 18 and she acts more like 30. She is totally responsible, he's hasn't always been. I guess its my way of saying I miss her.
(Where can she and I go? Is our friendship struggling because we are in such different worlds? Can people have a marriage, a baby and still keep their "before" friends? Or do they need time with strictly other "mommies"? )
I feel like Carrie Bradshaw and I'm writing a Sex and the City column--as I stare outside my Manhattan loft into the busy noisey- yet vacant streets.
On the other hand am I feeling a sense of loss of a friendship and need to tell her exactly what I am feeling?
I think she is thinking- Yes, I have a baby, but I haven't changed- I am still the same person. You however, treat me like I am ONLY a mommie. Our timing just sucks and well, I need friends who support me and not people who are single and independant--almost to a point of hibernation.
11 comments:
Kick this person to the curb. They are NOT YOUR FRIEND. I'm sorry to be the one to say this, and it's hard to hear, but I've *in a way* been in the same situation.
My *best* friend, Heather, was supposed to be the Matron of Honor in my wedding-- to make a long story short, after she got married, she stopped calling, coming around, ect-- and then had the adacity to tell me she couldn't afford to be in my wedding and inferred that I was *trying* to make money off of the bridesmaid's dresses.
That was all it took for me to know she wasn't my real friend, nor was she. I haven't spoken to her in almost 5 years and don't plan on doing so EVER again.
To answer the question, "Can people be married (with or without kids) and still maintain friendships?" ABSOLUTELY. I go to my best friend's house EVERY tuesday. Jen (AKA: Monger) and I get together and go out (with my two Godsons (her babies) and have a wonderful time.
I make time for my friends ALL the time. I love my husband, but he isn't my entire world. I have a family. I have friends. I have a church. I am a member of a club. I balance all aspects of my life.
Granted, it was a little harder when I worked, but I managed to call my friends, and see them when I could. They always knew I was thinking of them, and would be there if they needed me.
I feel sorry for this poor girl. She has no clue, that one day, that baby will grow up, and as unfortate as it is, we do lose those we love, you need more people in your life than your husband and Momma. As much as I love both of mine, I have a lot of other people I love to.
As much as it hurts, I'd move on if I were you. Make relationships with people who ARE and WILL be true. Friendships do change with marriage, children, ect-- but they shouldn't change THAT much.
Best of luck!
*Hugs*
I say let her go. There could be any number of reasons for the change, but it's not worth making yourself unhappy over.
A woman most certainly can maintain "before" friendships while dealing with baby, spouse, job, hobbies, and a whole lot of other things. I know women doing it now, and I watched the women of my mother's generation do it, too.
The reason for your friend's behavior is probably unrelated to you or her feelings about you. If that's the case, by giving her the space she needs without appearing to pass judgment, you'll leave the door open for the future. Some women do seem to get knocked off balance for a few years after they have their first kid, and then when the kid starts school, they get that part of their brain back and things get better.
But overall, my experience with female friendships has been rocky. A lot of women will gladly put kids and men ahead of even their most enduring female friendships. And then they wonder why they're lonely in old age.
I'm with Miss 1999, she sure dosen't act like a friend. I'd be hurt as well knowing she visits her mom and dosen't even acknowledge you. Why wern't you asked for dinner when she cooked for B??? You're all supposed to be friends and know each other, to me that would seem like a slap in the face. I'm sorry your feeling down about this, but in the lonf run you don't want friends like that.
Sometimes Friendships move on and it looks like yours as run its course.
Other things in her life are obviously more important to her than your friendship.
Sure she still wants some kind of friendship but always on her terms is not right, you have to look forward and think of other friendships you will make in the future.
Life changes so much once you start having kids. Time for anything else becomes a luxury. I think you should tell her how you feel - then see if the friendship is worth saving.
1. Her world seems to be only one focus baby. It should be, but other people have things happening or not happening too.
Mommy comes first - you don't in her world. You're not on her priority list from the sounds of things. zIf she were a true friend, you wouldn't be asking this question. She's include you in her family.
2. We used to work together now her mom is at our/my school. She comes to see her at lunch on a regular basis---I never even get a hello. I know she has her daughter, but mom eats lunch the same time I do...(A quick hello would be nice. I figure if the situation was reversed, I would say hello one out of the 10 times I stop to see mom).
She's not connecting with you anymore, I'm afraid.
3. Tonight was the first time I have seen her in probably 5 or 6 months. It was by accident.
See above.
4. If I ask her to do something she never has time. When she does call me it's because her hubby is working long hours or her mom is busy with something else and it is usually (I am usually) a last minute thought, at least that is how I feel.
See #2
5. Ya'll know everything that has/is going on with mom and I have gotten a card when mom was diagnosed and one text message during her surgery. This last 6 months has been a time I really needed friends. I feel abandoned. I am one of the most independent people I know- or have known. So for me to say I feel abandoned- I am hurting.
See #2
6. When I went to Savannah--our friend and old co worker B is who went with me. I had one night and 2 days. Well her family was going to Savannah on Thursday--we came back Wed late afternoon. She decided to cook dinner for B and his man on WED night and gave me a time 'I had to have him back" for her to feed him. OK , that I thought was inconsiderate and demanding. He was going to feed her dogs while they were gone--4 days mind you--and she couldn't feed them when the trip was over?? I felt rushed and was a bit ticked off. This was supposed to be a time for me to get my mind off of ALL OF MY WORRIES about Mom and all the other shit in my life---for 48 hours.
In her eyes, your time was up. It was rude to tell you and not think to invite you as well.
7. Her daughter just turned a yr old. She and mom planned a b'day party for last weekend. She mailed me an invite 3 days before the party. It was the same weekend as bridezillas engagement party. I posted on my blog that I was going to Louisiana for the engagement party. I figured that I was going to be missed much more at the wedding party than by a one year old. I mean D originally wanted me to be the Maid of Honor. I know D and I know how long she has waited for this moment-- and I wanted her to have the best of parties, treats and HELP for all the planning--than I could give her living 3 states away from her. I guess I should have RSVP'd --but she is a reader on my blog and told me she knew about the engagement party. So, did I need to be so formal as to call too?
Yes, you should have. You are not on her radar screen anymore. She wouldn't have read your blog.
8. She seems to make time for B. Granted he's lovable- never wants to challenge anyone- where as, she and I both tend to speak our mind. He'll keep his shut so not to make any waves with anyone. Not to mention they are the same age...he acts like his 18 and she acts more like 30. She is totally responsible, he's hasn't always been. I guess its my way of saying I miss her.
You are slightly jealous of thier connection. You used to be in his shoes.
Where can she and I go?
Don't think you're going anywhere.
Is our friendship struggling because we are in such different worlds? Yes, She's got a baby.
Can people have a marriage, a baby and still keep their "before" friends? Or do they need time with strictly other "mommies"?
I have found that couples without kids hang out with single people more readily than couples with kids do. More in common. That's not to say it doesn't happen. As I said, she's not included you in her family.
I feel like Carrie Bradshaw and I'm writing a Sex and the City column--as I stare outside my Manhattan loft into the busy noisey- yet vacant streets.
On the other hand am I feeling a sense of loss of a friendship and need to tell her exactly what I am feeling? Don't think she's interested.
I think she is thinking- Yes, I have a baby, but I haven't changed- I am still the same person.
YES SHE HAS!!!
You however, treat me like I am ONLY a mommy. Our timing just sucks and well, I need friends who support me and not people who are single and independent--almost to a point of hibernation.
Talk with her if you can, but I am getting the sense that it's all in the past, my friend. Sorry to be so very blunt.
D :)
When I became a Mom for the first time I was only 22 and all my friends were still single and childless! It was extremely hard for us to see each other as much! But, I NEVER cut them out completely and still made as much time for them as I could! Having a baby is no excuse for acting like that! I am sure that she is busy, but even with 2 kids now I find time to be there for my friends! I would just be honest and let her know how you feel. If she doesn't respond well then I would just let her go no matter how hard it is! That would be easier then constantly wondering what was going on!
I like reading your blog, but all these A, B, C folks get me confused. Who are they? Use fake names, like Alice, Brian, Cloret, Danny, etc. It is easier for me to follow. I feel like I am reading one of those SAT questions and expect to be asked what the distance is from Savannah at some point.
All that being said, you are obviously being marginalized out of the relationship. For whatever reason, your old pal (the teacher with the baby), has put you on the "casual acquaintance" tier of her friends.
I have experienced this too. You have a great friend, and then you notice distance, and eventually you realize that you have been phased out. That happens.
Your pal (the gal with the baby) has apparently pruned her friendship tree and you ended up being one of the branches that got cut off.
What this tells you is that she is a fairweather friend. She never thought of you as a true friend; or (worse) she evaluates her friends on some kind of scale (usually relates to what they can do for her) and you dropped out of her top ten (or top twenty).
This kind of stuff happens in life. It hurts when it happens to you. I don't know if you have ever done that to anyone, but sometimes people do this kind of re-alignment of thier friends on a sub-conscious level. She may not be aware that she has been ignoring you, or she may have gotten signals from you that she interpretted in a way that alienated her.
I would suggest that you call her and talk to her directly. If you do this, you will probably know what her attitude is and you won't have to wonder about it anymore.
Best wishes to you. I hope you find the level of comfort, TLC, and good friends that you deserve.
sorry Im late, dammit!
Hey, this chica is no REAL friend.
Leave her behind and MOVE ON.
I still the same friends I had before I was married w/ children. Some are still single, some are not. NOTHING has changed between us and we definately do not have TENSION between us.
Lose this chica, you dont need her..
There is an obvious problem of mis-communication here!
If you really miss her and want to salvage your old freindship, write her a letter stating everything you said in your blog [But edited to work as a letter]
Start the letter with something like,
"I need to say some stuff to you and this is the only way i feel i can do it. Please read it with an open mind as it's all said with love, and respond accordingly....."
Then at least you've reached out and tried to salvage the freindship. The freindship you once had is worth your bold honesty [and hers]. All relationships need work at some point or another, to work.
If she doesn't care or value the relationship enough to respond, then she never was your freind in the first place.
As a mother, freindships do change after a baby. My single freinds and i mostly sorta grew apart when i had my first child. But it was never with underlined tension. We are all still freinds, just living different lives. We'd still greet with a hug when and if we see each other.
Your freind's attitude is because of something else. Find out what it is [It could be something really simple] and then make the choice as to weather the freindship is worth saving or not.
Hi I am new here but wanted to say some things :-)
I agree with kshippychic... I reckon you should talk to your friend. It is really hard when you first have a baby and things feel so overwelming and half the time you don't know what others are feeling and are just concentrating on making the baby happy ya know?
I do think that she should be coming and saying hi when she comes in to say hi to her mum and that is a little rude.
Maybe she might be feeling the same way and missing her friendship with you too.
If you don't then you will never know and sometimes that is the worst thing ever... at least you would have tried aye.
It is hard and I can imagine how sad you feel that you might lose her totally as a friend but worth a try to see what she feels
Chubbymum
http://cmlosingit.blogspot.com
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