38

Happy Birthday to me.
I want to live in a tree
That way housing would be free
No one could see
How crazy these kids make me

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you. "What do you mean?" asked his wife.

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green and when I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big friggin red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Who's the Boss?
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I Like Your Thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking."

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream.

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said, ''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ''Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

The little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.''
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Big Boss Man

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.

The brain said, "I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions."

The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go."

The hands said, "We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.

Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Moral of the story: You don't need brains to be a boss - any asshole will do.

DIETS

"Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Charlie the wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again.

Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.."

I thought this was cute....

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV visus. My parents live in Fort Worth and one of my sisters, who lives in Pflugerville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas.

I have two brothers, one is currrently serving a non-parole life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview, she is a part time "working girl. "

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Hillary Clinton for president?

Divorce Letter

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever! I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone!Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Her reply:

Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning.After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Heck and Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem

Enough said?

Can I tell you I feel a bit of sadness and relief. Today is our last day with the students. I have a few really SPECIAL kids , that I am truly going to miss. I'll see them next year but it's just not the same. On a bright note 90% of the hellions have already been suspended for the rest of this year...AMEN....WAHOOOOOOOOOOOOO So Friday for the most part will be signing yearbooks and the Literature kids collection of work, they put together.

On a good note, I made reservations at my favorite rest in town right after they open...I'll have seafood fresh and healthy! (not to mention Yummy) . I worked hard this year and have stressed over so MANY personal things that I need a break. Hell, I may go for a few drinks afterwards. I need a stress reliever!!!!

Hope your Friday is quick, painless and brings along a few smiles~

Click in the pic to read~

I don't have much to say. I forgot my CIPRO at home on my coffee table. MEOW. I did manage to cover my body in the prescribed creme. It helps some. YEEAAAHHHHHHHH
I just scheduled a sub for Friday. Well I put it in Subfinder and hope someone reliable will pick it up. The lady I like didn't answer her phone. I bet she's booked! The kids don't like her, so I know I do = )

No news here, just been going home from work, bathing and layering my skin with that stuff.
As a teacher we only get paid once a month. I got paid and now I'm broke. My bills are paid, I just don't have any left over. MEOW

I commented on D's blog. Do you think my rash will/can spread to my kitties as they try to rub up against my legs? I am trying to get them to stay way. But its heart breaking ..I LOVE MY BABIES!!!!!

Ok the pic below you have to click on so you can actually read it. I'm a Virgo. So don't you think it fits????

Ok day two of CRCT testing is now complete. Today was Language Arts..I'm a bit worried, I thought yesterday went better. I teach 3 Literature/Reading classes and two English/Grammar classes. So, I have a stake in yesterday and today's test. Pray for my kids please!!!!! Pray for my school in general. We need good scores this go around!!!!

How would most of your ladies feel about dating a guy who has 3 kids 2 from his first marriage and one from his second. THe first wife he says had several affairs and after 11 years they divorced. The second wife sat him down and told him she was in love with someone else. His oldest daughter 14 lives with him. That tells me he has some sense of responsibility. HIs name is Johnathan. He lived in a suburb of New Orleans for 8 yrs while in the Navy. Kinda a fluke that we both live in Ga now.
Well, we met on eharmony. I date usually from meeting people on line yahoo or match.com. He is the first I have made it to the talking on the phone stage. He lives about an hour north of me.
I feel a bit overwhelmed on the 2 marriages. Then again, I have never been married and have no children. I feel like I am a pretty good catch. I''m educated and self sufficient. You gotta admit though that most men do not like women to be overweight, and that I AM!!!!

***********************************************************************************
Never tick off a nurse
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him. The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."After complaining for several minutes, he finally settleddown, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. No, I'm sorry, " thenurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventuallyhe rolled over and bared his behind. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer,he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After a half hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter,Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation".
*********************************************************************************
IS IT FRIDAY YET????

Amen it's Friday!

NEWSPAPER ADS

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER:
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog... able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG:
Looks like a rat ... been out a while. Better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: “NEVER BRED” Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Like New, Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses (taste) of first graders using a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to say:

Red....................Cherry

Yellow.................Lemon

Green..................Lime

Orange ...............Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well, she said, I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother maysometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, my God, "They're ass-holes!"

Well, I survived Monday...and in 2 weeks I get Spring Break. Wahooo! I hope everyones animals are a okay. Mine are spoiled with Fancy Feast and Gerber baby food....(Veal or Lamb)

No man news~ not even GAY man news. Bridezilla is working my nerves. Lord will October ever get here?

It suits me.

I am trying to get past these goofy school girl feelings I am starting to have for John. He emails like 8-10 times a day, just swapping bits of info. It's nice to look forward to the emails. Do any of you have opinions on a 6 yr age difference? I'm older....I'm a bit perplexed. The baby time clock of course...but with PCOS not sure that will happen even if I wanted it too.... ???????Christy????????

I just remember Skipper in Dothan. He was the teacher who seemed to have it all, a masters, taught math, called his highschool football games and had a Sat night radio show. I mean really....we had TONS in common. I was so bummed when we met in person. He liked me, and tried. I just didn;t have the "connection" I need on a physical level.

I was so let down.

So it looks like we(John and I ) will meet about 1/2 Sat and have lunch. I go home Sunday. I am hoping to have something positive to think about while I am there. Surgery is Tues morn, but hospital stay Mon night at the Breast care center.

are men stupid?

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up reallynice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts,and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shapedand fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond,as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughingwith glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunchof young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't comedown here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get outof the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,"I'm here to feed the alligator."
Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still thinkfast.

***********************************************************************************
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.
The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.

facials and beer

Does anyone have a facial wash they really enjoy? Share with me! Right now I am getting some extra OIL that I am not happy with by the end of the day~ MEOW

I am treating myself to a new do tomorrow, well...color wise. I am thinking darker....i want high and low lites...maybe a chestnut? Any thoughts????

****An Alabama State Trooper pulled a car over on I-20 about 2 miles west ofthe Alabama/Georgia state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Mobile to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old Alabama boy, got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car,opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.The drunk replied, "You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."

Wed wiggles

NEW HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened on 5th Avenue New York where women can go to choose a husband. As you enter the store there is a list of instructions of how the store operates.

1. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !!!

2. There are 6 floors to the store and the attributes of the men increase as you ascend the flights.

3. There is however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particularfloor but once you choose to go up to the next floor you can't go down except to exit the building.

So a woman goes into the husband store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor a sign reads: Floor 1 --- these men have jobs.

She ascends to the 2nd floor where a sign reads:Floor 2 --- these men have jobs and love kids.

She ascends further to the 3rd floor where a sign reads: Floor 3 --- these men have jobs, love kids and are extremely goodlooking."Wow" she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

On the 4th floor a sign reads: Floor 4 --- these men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good lookingand help with the housework. "Oh mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still she goes to the 5th floor and a sign reads:Floor 5 --- these men have jobs, love kids, are drop dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.She is so tempted to stay, but goes on the 6th floor and a sign reads:

You are visitor number 31,456,012 to the floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.

NEW WIFE STORE ACROSS THE STREET

The 1st floor has wives who enjoy sex.

The 2nd floor has wives who enjoy sex and have money.

The 3rd thru 6th floors have never been visited.

Only WED>?????

Well, it's Wed night and I didn't call in for tomorrow. So, I guess I need to try and make myself presentable. I actually went to my mailbox and took out my garbage can this afternoon. There is only so long I can stay locked up in my house.

Well, a neighbors kitty has been coming to my glass plate next to my front door and fussing with Whisper, my youngest kitty. The kitty was outside when I opened my garage door. She came up to me as I was coming back from the mail box. Naturally, me the kitty fan---I pick her up and love on her a bit. Black and white kitty, very thin. I decide, I will keep her in my garage while I get her some dry and wet food with water. I am holding her as I hit my automatic garage door open/closer...She freaks out claws me in the face, under my left eye and nose. All I felt was OUCH! and saw blood. She ran like demon possession out of the garage. I spent the next 30 minutes, with a wash cloth, alcohol and q-tips.

Why am I here I keep asking GOD???????

Larry the Cable Guy is coming to the FOX theater in Atlanta the 2 wknd in MArch. I would love to go. He's so dumb--he's funny. A friend sent these to me, they made me smile. I hope they can do the same for you.

Redneck Pick-up Lines

1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in'em.

6) If you was a tree & I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yerhole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only alight switch away.


8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to saysomething that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yerbed-rock.


10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he wentinta this cheap motel room.
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep in tilafternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nutstighten up.

Bar stools

BAR Stools Sisters Mary Catherine, Maria Theresa, Katherine Marie, Rose Frances, & Mary Kathleen left the Convent on a trip to St. Patrick's Cathedral in New York City and were sight-seeing on a Tuesday in July. It was hot and humid in town and their traditional garb was making them so uncomfortable, they decided to stop in at Patty McGuire's Pub for a cold soft drink. Patty had recently added special legs to his barstools, which were the talk of the fashionable Eastside neighborhood. All 5 Nuns sat up at the bar and were enjoying their Cokes when Monsignor Riley and Father McGinty entered the bar through the front door. They, too, came for a cold drink when they were shocked and almost fainted at what they saw.

Give us a sense of humor, Lord, Give us the grace to see a joke, To get some humor out of life, And pass it on to other folk.

Frustration with Democrats

We can all fantasize about this moment~

See how much she is really WORTH!

See how he (Bill) welcomes all people to Arkansas!

I HATE HILLARY

I am a republican with a few liberal views. I liked Bill, he's a pleasant somewhat intelligent fella. I really can't blame him for the whole Monica aspect. If I had to go home to Hillary , I'd run like hell the other way.